Quick poll.

If I've taken an extra class this Fall specifically so that I can put the money aside to travel in January, need I feel guilty for refusing to give up that trip if other expenses arise?

Why or why not?

Day Twenty-One: Prague

No, you can't really miss the castle:

End of Summer?

I can't believe summer is almost over. We have three class days left including tonight, and then I will have roughly two weeks off before Fall classes start. I'll be teaching five classes (four preps) at three different colleges.

Job listings for Fall 2008 started posting today. The run-up to Big Damn Conference is generally a mess of applications, stress, and more applications... and then waiting to hear if any interviews are forthcoming. I had hoped to have the dissertation completely finished - if not defended - when applications went out this year. It isn't, but it could be, still.

(Then why am I sitting here blogging instead of typing, eh?)

Later, same day: I did do some more work on the dissertation -- not much, but some. Some is better than none. I also did an hour on the exercise bike (yes, a whole hour!) and walked a mile with Mr. Squirrel. Now I trot off to class and get some more shit done while they watch a film.

Go me.

Day Twenty: Prague

The famous (and infamously crowded) Charles Bridge.

Day Nineteen: Prague

Here there be trumpeters.

Day Eighteen: Dresden

By day:

By night:

You know, sometimes I don't think Mr. Squirrel realizes how close I am to finishing the dissertation, and (therefore) how frustrating my (apparent?) phobia of working on it is.

He wanted me to try golfing today, and I said "no, I think I'll try to push through chapter one and send it off to [volunteer editor]."

He laughed in disbelief, and shook his head.

Oh, thanks! That attitude is sure to help. No fucking wonder I have issues about this thing.

ETA: okay, fixed several issues. Only spent about 1/2 hour working, so far, but it's FAR better than not touching the thing. I even wrote about a page.

Have picked the next "issue" and pulled it out into a separate document. That way, I don't have to freak out about what to work on next time: it's one page, with two things to expand on. That's a good idea, right?

Day Seventeen: Dresden

I didn't know very much about Dresden, before we went there. Though I knew the phrase "firebombing of Dresden" and - to some extent - what it meant, I hadn't seen photos of the damage and didn't understand exactly what had happened.

On our first walk downtown, I started to realize that I was missing something rather... large.

Most all of the "older" buildings look like this:
I knew the damage was from the firebombing but - quite honestly - I couldn't figure out the patterns -- why were some bricks fine, and others completely blackened? (At this point, you may be saying "uh, Margie's a bit of an idiot," but you have to remember, I'd just come from Berlin. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what bombing-damage looked like up close, as well as what reconstruction looked like.)

So, for anyone who (like me) just didn't get it, this is what we're talking about reconstructing from:
The entire city looked like this.* The reconstruction has been done using, wherever possible, the original bricks. Thus, black stone and white stone.

Before the bombings, Dresden was known for being incredibly beautiful. Today, though there's still construction, it is one of the most amazing cities I've seen. Walking toward the river at night, I was (truly!) speechless at what I was seeing. When I finally did see photos of the damage (and the one above is in the "less gory" category, as tens of thousands of people died that night) I started sobbing. Whether or not one thinks there was a reasonable military reason to attack Dresden - and from what I've read, most people call it a "terrible mistake" - the methods and the results were horrifying.


*Note: this picture is of the Frauenkirche post-bombing, across the square from the church in my photo. I hate to say it, but Wikipedia does as good a job as any in addressing the timeline and such.

Day Sixteen: Berlin

Across the street from where my parents met is the "Hunger Rake," aka the Memorial to the Berlin Airlift. My mother was a flight attendant, which explains why they met at the bar closest to the only working airport at the time.


Apparently, the other "half" of the rake - forming an imaginary arch, eh? - is at the Frankfurt airport, where the planes left from.

The yellowish building in the background of the photo used to house the club where my parents met. Before that - yes, this is odd - it was Hermann Göring's air ministry building. 'Tis now the main German finance building, or something.

ETA: Once again, I couldn't post the best picture of the day as it was impossible to blur out my face. After finding the hunger rake (which wasn't terribly difficult), it was well past lunch time. We ended up here:

Yes, it's the House of 100 Beers. The other photo taken here is just classic.

Day Fifteen: Berlin

The Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church:


Even with reconstruction - or maybe because of some of the newer construction? - Berlin is not, visually, a pretty city. However, my parents met here in the early 60's, and I've always felt a sort of romance about Berlin, despite the cold, hard facts.

Berlin was not the first time in the trip I felt the odd sense of history lingering about - you can't really be in Amsterdam without feeling it, can you? - but it started the part of our trip that was the most astonishing in terms of in-your-face recent events.

Day Fourteen: Berlin

TGIT

Yes, yes, I was a whiny bitch for most of Monday.

It was Monday. I'm allowed.

Happily, however, I found out that one of my other new ritual oils - Lionheart - is quite an effective kick in the ass.

Ah, Monday.

Because of the timing for our summer session, I have 4-day weekends right now. They're great, but damn if Monday isn't even worse than usual. Today I need goals, or I will get nothing done.

• 11am - bike: 30mins. - I have been out of the habit since my change in schedule two weeks ago. Must get back into habit.
• 1pm - work on dissertation: 30mins. - I know it's not much, but see above about "habit." ETA: why is this so hard to do? Seriously, I cannot seem to make myself open the file and work on it, even for 30min. Have decided to have a bit more coffee, take a shower, and start the day over.
  
• re-read articles for course (1/2 done)
  
• go into office at 5pm
  
• grade three papers - must not fall behind on these - added office time because it's easier to grade there.

Things I've done that weren't on the list:

• One load of laundry (I really needed to do that).
• Cleaned stovetop.
• Drafted odd email begging for scheduling change.
• Cleaned balcony (see below).
  

I was intending to go into the office for the dissertation work, but I think I'm going to clean up the balcony a bit (sometime between 11.30 - 1!) and start working out there. My father is passing along last year's laptop to me, so I'll finally have something with battery life.

ETA #2: Okay, I'm fucked. I decided to put everything together for dinner because... well, because I didn't want to be angry at Mr. Squirrel, later, for not remembering to make something. I figured I would shower afterward, but as I was beginning to cook a friend of Mr. Squirrel's dropped by.

At times, this guy will stay for HOURS. He's already been here an hour, and I WANT HIM TO LEAVE. I can't take a shower while he's here, as the set-up of our flat doesn't allow for much privacy in cases like this. (It's private enough that I could shower, but... I'd basically have to take all my clothes into the bathroom and dress in a cloud of steam afterward.) Why Mr. Squirrel hasn't realized this and at least taken this guy into another room or out on the front balcony is beyond me.

I'm in a fucking horrible mood, now.

Day Thirteen: Travel Day

Even in my journal, this day is blank. It was a long train ride from Amsterdam to Berlin: 6 or 7 hours, I believe. We got to the hotel just before dark, and ended up eating across the street from the hotel at an apparently trendy restaurant. Along the whole street, in fact, there was a line of club/restaurants that all served mojitos... that was the first (and last) place on our trip where mojitos were so obviously the hip thing.

So, I give you the main train station in Amsterdam:

Day Twelve: Leiden

Because where else do you run into someone who has painted themselves blue for no apparent reason?

No morez!!!!!

A macro story from 3000 miles away:

My mother was snoring loudly last night.
As is normal, my father nudged her -- this usually makes her roll over and stop snoring.

In her sleep, my mother sat up and said (quite petulantly):

"Why you roll me over???"

Day Eleven: Two sides of Amsterdam

Yes, I mean that both literally and figuratively.

First, Barney's -- both a coffeeshop and one of the places to get breakfast in the city. Though I didn't partake of the greener aspects of the coffeeshop, the breakfast gets a big thumbs-up.

Second, the largest Buddhist temple in Europe. Very nice Kuan-Yin shrine. I should say, Mr. Squirrel and I have two "deity" (note loose usage of the word) representations hanging in our apartment: Kuan-Yin and Green Man. It seemed fitting - as travelers - to make some kind of offering at this shrine.

Day Ten: Amsterdam

I skipped Day Nine. By this point, my camera battery had died, and (due to some really bad information at Radio Shack) I had a large and useless adapter/transformer. The camera was finally recharged in Dresden, probably 10 days from now. Almost all photos, therefore, were taken by Mr. Squirrel, and he rather likes "scenery" instead of "people."

The travel plans.

First we discussed Spain, then Peru. Since we couldn't travel this summer, it's been the plan to travel after the new year, preferably somewhere warm (or warmer than here, which isn't hard).

There were some snags with the Peruvian idea, however. Mostly these involved our wanting to travel outside of typical tourist areas and finding warnings of many, many kinds about doing so. I got back on the computer and found amazingly cheap flights to Rome... and so the last several weeks have been spent pondering dates, times, and moneys.

This is the schedule I've come up with.

Night 1/2 – Rome
Night 3/4 – Sorrento (trip to Pompeii)
Night 5/6/7/8/9 – Florence (couple day trips, from here)
Night 10/11 – Siena
Night 12/13/14/15/16 – Rome

I've tried not to spread us too thin, yet see some of the main things we'd go for in the first place. Since I was... nine? Pompeii has fascinated me, and so there's no cutting out that leg of the trip. We had planned a night in Assisi, but it's now become a day trip.

Suggestions?

Day Eight: Mostly Travel

Travel days aren't much fun. Day Eight started in Bruges and ended in Amsterdam; even with a relatively short train trip (three hours? four?) there was lots of bag-pulling, getting lost, and heat. Yes, still heat: at this point in the trip we're consistently hitting 100F during the day.

The room at the Hotel Brouwer (which I link to here because it's a great find, hotel-wise) was quite a relief. We were on the top floor - the "Escher Room" - and with the huge windows open we got every single bit of breeze and slept in relative coolness.

Plus, this was the view:

Not bad, I tell you.

I just emailed someone to explain my phone issue (which is: I can rarely talk on phone to people other than family. If my anxiety gets bad, phone use becomes essentially impossible.*)

At this point, I don't really care if people understand the phone issue, but in the current situation I felt a need to explain why I wasn't in phone contact.

(I figure people won't understand anyway, but thought I'd try.)

Went into the living room, very pleased with myself for sending said email. Informed Mr. Squirrel that I had been very honest about the issue, and hoped that people understood.

Mr. Squirrel responded with blank stare.

Hello! How can someone have lived with me for five years without realizing this? Or, apparently, without paying attention when I've talked about it at length?

*On edit: This is ongoing. I lost a really cool internship my junior year of undergrad - 15 years ago? - because they wanted me to cold-call news desks about events. I would sit there, phone in hand, and freak out. I've tried lots of things to get over this, and at this point it's only really bad when I'm already in massive anxiety mode.

Something rarely seen:

Margie on a bike.
(Day 7: Bruges)

Lots of Random Stuff

• Accomplished almost everything on earlier list. Due to issues with exercise bike, did not bike. Walked instead.
• Some of my stress comes from the life of an adjunct, and I know this. Summers in particular can be a financial bitch. Since I have a good semester lined up in fall I've been less stressed than usual, but this was the pay period between summer sessions... which means no paycheck.
• Er, must write dissertation, or I'll be doing this for another year guaranteed.
• Despite money woes, we have settled on a trip in January. It will be easy if I teach 5 courses in fall, less easy but managable on 4 classes. Instead of Peru, we decided on Italy.
• Yes, Italy is more expensive overall than Peru, but in winter it's really not bad.
• It will be nicer in winter there than it is here.
• Have I ever posted that we have the best landlords ever? We knew them before renting this place, and we trade off taking care of kitties when the other couple is traveling. Our cats - who are two picky ones and one slut - all love them, so we can leave without worry.
• If anyone has tips for Rome or Florence (or Assisi or Siena or Pompeii) please share.
  

(and day five of anxiety)

Something is definitely up.
I woke up last night with a panic attack, and as today goes on I'm feeling more and more anxious.

I have come up with a plan:
1. Blog about it. I have to get it out somewhere, and just telling Mr. Squirrel about it doesn't seem to help much. Also, it helps me set other goals.
2. Go to campus and finish up copying/prep for class tonight. The less I have to fake worry about class, the better. (I say "fake worry" because in anxiety mode I will latch onto anything possible to worry about, even a class that I could teach in my sleep.)
3. Come home, finish re-reading articles for class. Since it's been a couple months since I read them, I might as well skim them again.
4. Exercise. I figure if my abs are exhausted, I can't maintain tension in them (like I'm doing right now). Will also go for a walk with Mr. Squirrel before class.
5. Teach. Although I can work myself into a frenzy about class - see #2 about fake worry - when I'm finally in class and teaching it's a good energy release, and I'm rarely nervous.

Part of the problem here is that I'm in strictly-non-phone phase when I'm this anxious. I can talk to my family, but that's about it... the very idea of picking up the phone to call anyone else makes me shake. Obviously, this isn't the best time for that particular phobia, considering recent events, because I'm supposed to be supportive rather than completely unavailable.

Let's face it, though, the recent death is obviously affecting my anxiety, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. For a 34-year old woman to drop dead in her own home... well, that's just exactly everything my anxiety centers around, eh?

Plus, I've already been getting some negative feedback about how much time (read: apparently not enough) I'm devoting to this friend. I guess the expected reaction to that kind of criticism is that one will become more available? Unfortunately, I don't work that way. I get more nervous about things, and then the Very Big Panic Attack hits, and I'm worthless for much of anything.

While I would love to be able to finish this post with "but this is about being there for my friend, and not about me," that would also be a total lie. It's just not that easy to push through the anxiety issues, or I would have done so already. So, I do what I can and - I guess - everyone will think I'm a total bitch.

On edit: so far, so good. About to move on to mind-numbing/body-tiring exercise.

Day Six: Welcome to Bruges

I have to say, the photo of me drinking a Hoegaarden the size of my head is a much more appropriate pictorial summary of Bruges. However, these will have to do. First, the belfry:
Second, a view over part of the canal system:

On Love of Bed.

I know many people love their bed, but damn if I'm not infatuated with mine. I love everything about it: where it is in the room (which is more important than some people realize); the mattress itself; my dark grey cotton sheets; my pillow.

Luckybuzz has recently fed my addiction to BPAL in a whole new direction, and it has affected the bed. I discovered the lovely Somnium scents first, and was quite happy with Temple of Dreams and Somnus. Then, Buzz told me of enabled me to Dorian: A Victorian fougere with three pale musks and dark, sugared vanilla tea.

I'm now pretty lost at night if I don't have Dorian. My pillowcase retains the scent after a couple nights, and I'm thinking linen spray might be a good idea. Good gosh, Buzz, what have you created?

As seen at Canada's...
You'd think the picture I chose was sorta a looking-sideways type, eh? It wasn't. I have to agree that I have Rachel Weisz's nose.

Edit: Okay, the fact that it wasn't fitting properly in my frame was bothering me.

Day Five: I lied

Oddly, it wasn't a big photo day, and all of the good ones are non-anonymous. We tried to see the catacombs in Paris, but didn't make it in time. Spent most of the day wandering around and drinking in little cafes.

Okay, on edit (and thanks to a trial of Photoshop, which I need desperately):
Mr. Squirrel & the Arc de Triomphe.

I had a much longer post about other things, but I feel as though I might just be an evil bitch. And it's all too complicated to blog about, anyway.

On the brighter side of things: it's a lovely rainy day, and I found plane tickets to Italy for a really good price.

Day Four: Bastille Day

Pre-fireworks view from our picnic on the Champ de Mars:

Day Three: Versailles

Versailles is definitely worth the trip. I'm not big on wandering through palaces, but the gardens of the palace are amazing (and huge).

The best part is Marie Antoinette's Hamlet -- this was, really, the only thing I wanted to see, and it was as bizarrely cute as I thought it would be. Luckily, it was also almost completely empty as we were wandering around, because it was late in the day. After the horrific crowds in the palace, this place was heavenly.

(We interrupt the honeymoon pictures)

I've started feeling pretty panic-y and nasty tonight. Most of the night I've been restless, and it's now doing a segueway into anxiety.

Joy.

I wouldn't mind meditating right now - I even have new Twilight Alchemy oils to try - but my study is so messy that it's not a real option. So, even though it's almost 11pm, I'm off to start cleaning the study.

Day Two

Rear of Notre Dame, including those funky little apostles marching up the spire. Note: clouds! I'm not sure how often you'll see those in photos of this trip. Not, at least, until Prague.

One Year Ago Today.

This time last year - give or take a few hours - we arrived in Paris to start our honeymoon. I've been pondering the idea of posting a picture per day, in celebration of a good trip.

I give you the first actual picture Mr. Squirrel took:
That is me, sitting in the courtyard of our Paris B&B, waiting to check in to our room. It may also be the last time I wore jeans in the entire trip, as it was already hitting 95F at noon.

Also, some days there might be two, because I'm a sucker for photos.
This is nearing the end of day one: the super-touristy restaurant right near the Eiffel Tower. I include this because just last week I realized that the lack of outdoor seating in bars and restaurants around here makes me sad. This was where we toasted the beginning of our trip (yes, with champagne) and ate something before wandering back to the B&B and collapsing. (Note: we had arrived at 7.30am that day. By 9pm, we were both knackered.)

Apparently that knot in my stomach wasn't just from stress. I was up all last night sick, and I swear I've never actually felt my stomach muscles quiver in quite that way, before. I'm assuming it was caused by the lobster (!) that my neighbors/landlords made for dinner last night... but damn. Not much fun. I still don't feel much like eating anything, this morning.

I have, however, pretty much finished the syllabus and I think it's improved over last time I taught this. I need more time to rework the whole thing (readings, assignments, etc.), but that time is not now.

Bullets. They're just bullets.

• Tomorrow (Monday) starts the second session of summer courses. My syllabus is not finished.
• Our friend's wife died last weekend, and the last week has been spent trying to help him cope. I'm not sure if any of us helped, or not. Or if "help" is possible, in this situation.
• I'm trying to decide if it will be possible to pass one of my fall courses to friend (above). I realize that adjunct courses are not quite that malleable, but he needs the money more than I do. Am figuring that being honest about the situation to the chair of that department is the best bet.
• Much of this has left me with a knot the size of Montana in my stomach.