(and day five of anxiety)

Something is definitely up.
I woke up last night with a panic attack, and as today goes on I'm feeling more and more anxious.

I have come up with a plan:
1. Blog about it. I have to get it out somewhere, and just telling Mr. Squirrel about it doesn't seem to help much. Also, it helps me set other goals.
2. Go to campus and finish up copying/prep for class tonight. The less I have to fake worry about class, the better. (I say "fake worry" because in anxiety mode I will latch onto anything possible to worry about, even a class that I could teach in my sleep.)
3. Come home, finish re-reading articles for class. Since it's been a couple months since I read them, I might as well skim them again.
4. Exercise. I figure if my abs are exhausted, I can't maintain tension in them (like I'm doing right now). Will also go for a walk with Mr. Squirrel before class.
5. Teach. Although I can work myself into a frenzy about class - see #2 about fake worry - when I'm finally in class and teaching it's a good energy release, and I'm rarely nervous.

Part of the problem here is that I'm in strictly-non-phone phase when I'm this anxious. I can talk to my family, but that's about it... the very idea of picking up the phone to call anyone else makes me shake. Obviously, this isn't the best time for that particular phobia, considering recent events, because I'm supposed to be supportive rather than completely unavailable.

Let's face it, though, the recent death is obviously affecting my anxiety, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. For a 34-year old woman to drop dead in her own home... well, that's just exactly everything my anxiety centers around, eh?

Plus, I've already been getting some negative feedback about how much time (read: apparently not enough) I'm devoting to this friend. I guess the expected reaction to that kind of criticism is that one will become more available? Unfortunately, I don't work that way. I get more nervous about things, and then the Very Big Panic Attack hits, and I'm worthless for much of anything.

While I would love to be able to finish this post with "but this is about being there for my friend, and not about me," that would also be a total lie. It's just not that easy to push through the anxiety issues, or I would have done so already. So, I do what I can and - I guess - everyone will think I'm a total bitch.

On edit: so far, so good. About to move on to mind-numbing/body-tiring exercise.