This? is that day.

Yes, this is that day. It's the day, every year, when I realize that I leave for Big Damn Conference in less than 24 hours, and that I am nowhere close to prepared for anything.

I have not packed.
I have not tried on half my "conference" clothes to see if they fit.
I have not timed my paper to see exactly how long it is.
I have not finished the stack of grading on my desk.
I have not had a haircut in six months.

At the same time, because of the timing of this conference, there is an immense sense of freedom. After all, I have over a week off... no classes, very few commitments, and a lot of pumpkin pie and good wine on the way.

Still, you would think I'd go into Big Damn Conference pre-day a little more organized, wouldn't you? So that, when I stumble out of bed at 4:30am tomorrow to be on time for our 6am flight, I'm not frantically OCD'ing over everything?

As a matter of fact, today started out worse than most BDCpd's. For the first time in years, I forgot to set my alarm. It was only a sheer lack of balance on the part of my cat that woke me up in time to make it to class, and that's NOT the way to start a day... no, sharp and grabbing claws in your face are generally a bad thing.

Now, I sit at my desk knowing full well that I need to get off my ass and pack, or go buy stockings, or do something useful. Yet, I seem to have hit the very same wall that I do when I know I have 40 papers to grade: big, brick, possibly with razor wire at the top.

Kittehs love BPAL

(Or at least this particular kind.)

I have a new class, starting tomorrow.

Through some very odd circumstances, I was asked to take over a class mid-semester. I'm generally happy about this - in fact, the chair of the department is amazingly nice, which makes things easier - but I have lingering first-day-of-class fears.

The syllabus is already in place, and I'm fine with it; any readings I haven't done are merely other versions of things I have read. In fact, these readings will really help me revamp one of my own syllabi for next semester -- bonus points!

No, it's really the idea of walking into a classroom where bonds are already established between students, and I'm more the interloper than usual, as professor. And it's not even freaking me out that much, just enough that it's obviously on my mind. In some ways the situation is quite liberating: if it weren't for me taking over, the class likely would have been cancelled, so I really can run crazy with it.

(Some semesters I don't get sick.)

Some semesters I seem to be constantly fighting off illness, and I occasionally succumb to it. On those days, whether or not I make it to class has a lot to do with how far I have to drive... if my class is down the street, I'll (usually) drag my ass in anyway. If it's an hour drive each way, I'm far more likely to cancel.

I really don't like driving long distances when I'm ill.

I assume that part of the reason full-timers seem to rarely cancel class is that they generally live closer to their campuses? Or does everyone occasionally cancel class due to illness, and I'm just not aware of it?

I turned in a rough draft of chapter three, today. I think it sucks, mostly.

One chapter left to rough out, and then I'm left with the joyful task of revising the whole thing.

I'm not as pissy about this as this post is sounding. I actually wasn't expecting to turn in a draft today, and I think that getting it in is generally good.

However, the last time I submitted a rough I got comments back like "this transition is horrible"... Hello? What does rough draft mean to you? If all my points were clear and my transitions were good, I would call that a finished version.

Le sigh.

Still, this means I can hammer away at this chapter for another two weeks and then move on. Chapter Four is actually supposed to be the easiest (!) and shouldn't take very long. I'll have a complete draft before any interviews take place this year, and should be set to defend in March.

Um... I haven't accomplished stuff for my classes, though. And I'm seriously considering having a beer or two, despite it being a weekday.

Oh dear.

You know when you have those evenings with friends where you all drink too much, and lots of stuff is shared, and it brings you closer?

K. I had that night tonight, except that:

a) it wasn't with my friends
b) I think I was the only one not tipsy (and how often does that happen?)
c) I didn't share, nor was I tempted
d) I don't feel closer to anyone. I more felt a need to bathe when I got home.

Seriously, it was sort of weird. I'm sitting here with my cat, who has been very cuddly tonight for no apparent reason other than that I need a cuddly cat. Er, and she usually refuses to be all cute and fluffy on demand. As is fitting for a cat.

I also failed the "no beer" thing today, although I only had one out at dinner. Am thinking several more were probably in order.

Oh, also? Sent my paper away yesterday, and have not heard back from the other panel members... even in a "we got it" way. Usually emails are responded to immediately. Now I'm wondering if someone read it and said "hey, WTF is she talking about? This sucks! Can we get her off the panel this late?" I hate insecurity.

Tomorrow is a goal day.

• teach classes
• finish paper
• send off paper
• drink no beer

Seriously, that's it. Feel free to mock the simplistic nature of my goals... I welcome mockery.

ETA: I have not had a beer. However, the day is not yet over, so I'll wait to cross that one out. But LOOK! at the crossing out! of the paper! I'm really pleased, even though I know it needs a bit more editing before the conference. For me, "needs a bit more editing" is where I'm usually at when I stand up to present the damn thing. Whee!!!